Hallo Sunshine

Maybe and Maybe

2009-05-01T16:14:00.002-05:00

maybe by six I'll be hungry again
and maybe by ten I will eat.

Maybe by eleven I'll be full again
and maybe by twelve I will sleep.

Maybe by one I'll dream again
and maybe by three I'll awake.

Maybe by five I'll die again
and maybe by eight resurrect.

Maybe by 10 I'll feel alive again
and maybe by twelve I'll speak.

Maybe by three I'll fall mute again
and at five just lie in thought.

But probably by six I'll forget again
and at seven maybe get high.

So then at nine I'll give up again
and later dream that I tried.

.

2009-04-06T14:44:00.001-05:00

I want you to take me home.
all I ever wanted was a simple life.
all i ever wanted was a simple life.
all
i
ever
wanted
was
a
simple
life.
I never asked for any of this.
I don't want this.
I hate it here.

3/30/2009

2009-03-31T13:34:00.002-05:00

I feel like I've been sedated for the last several years. My whole life in fact. Like i've just woken up from a 22 year coma. Or blackout, that seems to fit better. Who are you if you've lived your whole life absent from the world? Asleep when you should've been watching your body preform actions you didn't assign or hear your mouth speak words you've yet to define? Is it possible to have missed out on the skills necessary to be who it is you think you are? To know how you feel and interpret truth but have missed out on too much of your life to back it up? Now I have to play catchup in my own life. TO research and learn or, perhaps, relearn what's important to me and what it is I am passionate about.
I hate being put on the spot. It makes me want to cry. I bumble and fumble with disjointed speech meant to convey something coherent . Had I been able to formulate my idea before being shoved in the spotlight, I wouldn't have froze up, fucked up and embarrassed myself.
I quit drinking. I feel good. Now let's put the pieces back together and back up my passions with reasons. I know what I feel but can't back it up with knowledge, practice or proof.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Thanks Doc.

2008-12-12T00:49:00.004-05:00

This is my therapy.
It is my medicine.
It's a bitter taste but it cleanses me.
It keeps me alive and perpetuates whatever this is that I call being.

Sounds force themselves from clenched teeth to form syllables and eventually thoughts.
They fall on deaf ears.
The ears that choose not to hear the dark, whining torrent that floats toward them.
It's meek and a bit muffled but you can sort of make out what it's saying,
"Please love me. Feed me. Keep me safe".
"Tell me I'm beautiful. Don't leave me. Help me".

It sounds to me like everything that flows from your conscious and subconscious mind tells the story
of a girl who, because she was never loved, desperately seeks attachment of some kind.
It sounds like you're emotionally slutty and verbally promiscuous.

I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you. A case like yours is beyond hope and no one cares to listen.
You have several years to live, if you call being emotionally abandoned, tactless and useless, living.
You'll live alone.
You'll die alone.
Try not to notice people around you, it will only hurt you more.
They smile because they have someone to love who actually loves them back.
I know that's a hard concept for you to grasp but try to wrap your brain around this:
everything you think is true.
They are better than you.
They are successful.
Their life does have meaning.
Jealousy will get you nowhere. You know they are at a level you'll never reach so it's best for you to
prop your head as high as it will go and continue on shuffling feet.
You may have to drag yourself places and learn to act quite well.
Even though no one wants to be bothered by your feelings, they are smarter than you and will know
when you're hiding.

Here, take this pill and don't call me.
I've disconnected the line and changed my number.
Goodbye.

Love, Me.

2008-12-12T00:19:00.003-05:00

I don't ever want to live in a house.
I don't ever want to feel secluded.
I've isolated myself within myself and fear the silence.
I don't want to be surrounded by the open or the unknown.
I thrive in chaos.
The more I move, the faster I go and the sooner something good can happen.
Opportunity does not come from the woods and neither should I.

I listen to music quietly to get my thoughts moving.
I'm angry with myself and I feel my lack of expression is making me talentless.
I have no one to talk to and second guess my relationships.
Yes, the same I tend to keep temporary.
Permanence leaves me vulnerable and people take advantage.

My tears and screaming ego go unnoticed and no one seems to notice how I struggle.
I strive to be important to someone.
I strive for someone to care.
The way I do.

If you'd stay, I'd keep you forever.

People leave and I see no reason to fight to keep someone who can't stay still with me.
I'm constantly moving because being still leaves me as prey.
It makes me an easy target.

I fight for people to listen to heartfelt woes from a blistered soul.
I yearn for someone to bandage my emotional wounds.
I wish someone would fight for me.

I give myself away too easily because all I want is love.
There is none for me.
Maybe this I should realize, in order to avoid the pain of a perpetually broken heart.
Maybe I should give up.
For some reason though, I can't.
I fight a losing battle for the hope that a small victory may, somewhere, be achieved.

I see other's people's talent as my shortcoming.
I fail to realize that difference in style does not make me talentless only different.
I do realize that any talent I have goes unappreciated.
It lays as waste, rotting in my core.
I try to let it out but slam shut my mouth.
I hold firm lips to seal in any misstatement or offense.
My attempts at words profound or beautiful proves itself as garbage
and that's offensive.

I seek not to offend but perhaps enlighten.
To maybe be a guiding light or stepping stone to someone's benefit
probably because I act for which I seek to receive.

I dream of great things but a lack of support offers itself as a lack of motivation.
Why bother if no one cares?
Is my audience too small?
Or am I surrounded by people who know more than me?
They know a fruitless venture when they see it
when all I have are daydreams and withered potential.

Even the closet of people in my current life
don't care to hear my story.
They tell me not to worry then quickly jump to their dillemas
because they're so much more important than mine.

I'm cynical.
I don't trust.
Good luck trying to win me over.
Kidding.
I once had a price, I once had a standard
now I'll go to the first bidder.
Funny how I jump for love that couldn't ever be created.
Funny how I am a bargain.
I live in the clearance bin because everything that comes after me is worth something.
Maybe I was once worth something but the consumer never lies.
And that is why I remain constantly discounted.

For some strange reason, I feel I have solid facts pertaining to the goodness that should exist inside of me.
I've tried to plead my case.
I've tried to sell myself.
Still no takers.
No interested parties.

I lived to make myself ugly as a way to avoid ill attention.
Now that I've seen the beauty in me, it's too late.
I may feel beautiful but I guess, inside, I'm still a sight to avoid.
Now every positive thing about me seems like a marketing ploy.
An embellished theme to seduce good people to fall for a silly girl
who is nothing more than false advertisement for all that is good in the world.

My dreams have gotten the better of me and not in a good way.
My dreams, though small and simple, are far too good for someone like me.
I should be hidden.
Kept secret.
I should not be able to exist in a world with beautiful, special people
who's abilities and potential supersede even my grandest day dream.

Perhaps I should settle.

Perhaps I should continue to talk only to myself and this paper who cannot tell me I'm worthless.
It will not shoot me a fake smile or pretend to hold my hand.
It will not give me false hope or pretend to understand.
It will stay as paper.
It will live as it was created to and dream not to be anything more.
I should be this paper.
Good for one thing and good for just this one.

I can no longer hold my own hand.
I can only take risks now.
After all, why not take risks when the only place I'm going is down?
At least I'll say I tried.
Look, I'm not trying to steal your thunder.
I'm only trying to create a little vibration of my own.
Take no notice of me, just let me act as if I have something to offer the public
or at least to the creative ear.

You may continue to see me as a nobody.
And maybe I'll never be anybody.
At least nobody worth noting.
But I can get it out of my system and may perhaps receive the smallest speck of fulfillment.
Maybe I'll say something that someone overheard and parlayed to a friend, who told their brother,
who then passed it on to their cousin, who delighted at the piece of information skewed.
Maybe I'll touch a life
and maybe I'll live mine.

I'd die to feel alive.

Oh Well, Poo Poo, Ta Ta and HAHA

2008-12-09T13:30:00.003-05:00

I don't know how to act when it comes to be treated in ways I'm not used to. You have to understand I haven't always been appreciated. I've been used and thrown away and scooped back up and broken. I've been taken advantage of. I'm used to it. So when something seems opposite, I react in a way that's unfortunately bedded in my memory. Dark as it may be I sometimes regress because I have no idea what to expect. It's almost an instinct. I'm not crazy, despite what it may seem sometimes and if you only could know me in a different context, you'd see that I really am great. The party scene and people's behavior can easily sway someone but if that's the only way you want to know me, then you'll never actually know me.
it's too bad too.
oh well, poo poo, ta ta and haha.
i keep on keepin on and it's a fun ride.
<3

It's a day to think, Mope.

2008-12-08T13:59:00.006-05:00

I grasp my inner self by the shoulders and shake feverishly.
"what is wrong with you"?
I open my eyes to see me lying on the floor. Face up, wind knocked out.
"i am so sorry". I pause. "i don't--".
It breaks.

I watch myself getting brain surgery. I see each cut the gentle surgeon makes until my skull cap is lifted off.
"there's nothing there", that's what they say, as if they're not the slightest bit surprised.
I blink, waking up in a dark room.
"what's going on"?
A pool of water surrounds a floating bed.
I see myself laying peacefully.
Lost on the sea of nothingness, I smile knowing, despite what happens all around me, I am safe on this little bed.
----------------------------------

She walks around with her head held high but down inside she softly cries. She gracefully sheds a crystal tear, one for every wasted year. A year past with no progression, only missed opportunity and mental regression. She weeps for all the people met, who never cared, at least not yet. Until her eyes are all but dry, "I guess I'll give it one last try".
She forces a smile, one day she'll own, and blazes a trail toward a permanent home. Along the way she pauses to heave a sigh of relief, while twirling and sparkling down bustling streets. Her confidence blooms from an old, withered bud to expose beauty and someone deserving of love.
Her worth was something she never knew, for everything she was ever told was untrue.
She carries with her, her bag of gems, hoping one day she'll know what to do with them. A bag full of tears, shed in vain, should prove handy in a life less plain. Perhaps she'll make a crystal chandelier with one or two or even three tiers. Perhaps she'll hang it in her home so she will then and always know--that the light that falls, she created, from past tears and dreams deflated. But from the ruin, there came life, made wonderful after years of strife. To begin where she finds herself here and end in an older and much happier year.
-------------------------------------------------------

I will not let it get to me.
I don't need the headache.
I am fine when feelings stay locked in prison hearts.
There's a reason the dam holds so much back-nobody could swim against this flood.
Take it or leave it, but decide on your own.
<3

These Ruby Shoes

2008-12-05T10:34:00.003-05:00

YESSSS!
Why are things so awesome? This will not be a deep or thoughtful passage, just me exuding my excitement.
*wiggly happy dance*
So on Tuesday I'll be a bartender...certifiably. Also, I was taken aback by a phone call asking me to come work for someone I thought was over it (like I kind of was) but now I guess, or rather on Saturday when I pay a visit to said MR., I will be gainfully employed. Holl to the la.
HOLLA!
So this is good. Except that my boss here on LI wants me to work the weekend of the 21st...HOWEVER that seems like a little too much time for me to put off making good money. The guy sounded desperate for me to come work for him so, that means there is monies to be made!
So, even though I kind of like the people at my job and even kind of my boss, i'm going to have to give a stiff salut and a swift sayonara and get that paper where I feel most alive.
NYC.
NYSizzle.
Anyway....I'm back bitches-hope you didn't get too comfortable in my absence...mama's comin' home!
<3

Purple Hearts for the Bleeding Heart

2008-12-04T15:28:00.003-05:00

I ask only so you may think of me.
I don't know how else to start a conversation.
--------------------------
My heart beats rapidly and almost out of my chest, thinking of the night to come. Nerves of steel fall to putty around bones. Muscles seize, afraid to lose their place and my mind wanders. Evades and Eludes. I build an army in a playlist and seek refuge in the strength my fantasies create. Two sides. Social settings and my mind. In one I hide, the other come alive. Tug of war; unsure, cold and breathless.
Poetry in music.
-------------
So easily drool falls from the lips of horny fools gazing upon their future trophy. So easily the conquest executes glory for the captor, mandates signed by high fives in dimly lit bars.
It's funny when it's a joke.
So easily she gives in. Justified as a siren. Luring men into the warmth of her love, gaining strength and meaning from their raging hormones. She is made by the groping hands of lustful men, cemented with each reassuring squeeze.
So easily they laugh at the fools they see molesting each other in public. So easily, they think, she gives it up. So easily he takes. And once the transaction is complete, paths divide and parallel. So easily a life is made. No commitment only immediate wants delivered by people seeking the same instant gratification you crave. Nothing lasting but that's okay. We're young and fun and we're never going to die. We live life as an endless race. There's no end in sight. Who wants one?
--So easy they both make it look. So easy, they must've been designed for each other. So easy. So in sync. Disgusting only because it's not you. Trial and error. Blah, blah and blah. I've heard it all before. Melon analogies, and it's better to love and to have lost than to never have loved at all.
But at what point are you withered and useless? How many turns are you allowed before it all becomes meaningless and trite? Maybe love is like a cat; nine lives. Nine chances to get it right before you are forced to adopt many cats and take up knitting. Spinster. That's hot.
You're only young and beautiful once, right? And all the attention's really great. No, it's not. Attention is great when it's coming from whom you seek attention. It's only great when it's given wholeheartedly.
It's right when it's true.
I feel like I love you has lost meaning. Almost all. It's so casually thrown around and has semantically drifted into a line of cars. Where once, love was a forbidden fruit, given only to the one who truly captured it's only definition, it is now a franchise. Loveee you. Can you hear the snide icicles forming on the tongue of the faker who just got what they wanted from you?
Love ya. Can you hear the air escaping from the head of the teens thinking they own the world?
I love you. Can you hear the sincerity?
Didn't think so.
I love you is a gift too easily given away and reproduced.
I don't even use the whole of those 'three little words' with my mother. It's always "love you". I do love her but I'll say I LOVE YOU when the receiving end is a handsome, charming man who has [[bartered his heart for mine]].
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
change come so easily in the fluid movement of thought progression.
-----------------------------------------------------
And on another note--
WHY IS IS SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO BE POLITE? FRIENDS OR NOT, HAVE SOME MANNERS! SERIOUSLY!
I may be more submissive but I DON'T TAKE COMMANDS!
I'm not a pet or your doormat.
JESUS! I'm so tired of people being so rude. I don't 'tell' I 'ask'. I don't demand, I inquire. I say please and thank you and I make sure to let people know when I'm appreciative.
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST PRACTICE COMMON COURTESY?
WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH BEING NICE??
*screams and huffs off*
today is NOT the day to fuck around with me.
I'M TORN NOW!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

i wish i had a parachute....

2008-12-03T16:29:00.005-05:00

Very contemplative. Pensive in a nervous way. In a way that's unsure.

I didn't take my vitamins today. I feel their absence in every move I attempt. I feel their absence in each heavy eyelid and wandering thought.

My mind is so far from me today. I sense it out in the distance, wishing and dreaming for things that, today, feel impossible. Fleeting and troubled.

The tug of war with emotion makes great art. On the side of sheer gladness, who has time to create anything profound when they're too busy, arms outstretched, soaring on a wave of bliss? Only when the day turns a little grey does anything worth reading come. Funny, the worth is in in misery, when happiness brings speechlessness.

I'm not biting my tongue, nor will I. I just see it beginning to atrophy. Lack of exercise, a lack of verve. Practice makes perfect and I feel myself slipping away into increasing ignorance. Intelligence vanishes because of nonuse.

I'm second guessing. It's because I'm sleepy. Again, I didn't take my vitamins today. Perhaps the creativity needed to escape today. I drew a little. I designed. I created an image in my head and noted it on a napkin that I tucked in my back pocket. It will happen one day. Until then, I'll keep it tucked away.

I got a birthday card today. It came from my 'estranged' father. It's been almost a year since I've seen him and almost two since we've spoken. He said, "it pains me not to know where you are/what you're doing. we're here for you. love, dad". He wasn't there when I needed him but now that I've set out on my own, he's there? Where was he when I struggled to find the love and acceptance of my family, where was he when I was taught that there was no reason to love myself or others? Where was he when I saw my world crumble beneath tired feet? Where? Maybe he was galavanting somewhere across Europe instead of paying for my education. Or maybe he was just wrapped around her little finger all along. In any event, what's done is done and you may want to call me silly or stubborn but I see trying to establish a relationship with my father, after 22 years of failed attempts, a step backward. I'm no good at walking backward. I trip. I'm also only moving forward. Always moving forward. Catch up or call me later.

I feel like I've walked in circles my whole life until now and I'm finally happy, like really happy, with myself and where I'm at and I'm not willing to give that up. I may not be successful, I may not be a college grad (yet) and I may not be able to enjoy all the things that other people can but I'm happy. How many people can say that? I have no idea, maybe a lot. Maybe I've just finally caught on. Either way, I struggled for 22 years to love myself and see myself as someone worth loving and I didn't to that to turn around and accept the open arms of one of the people solely responsible for my darkness.

Sorry.

I can easily say Fuck You. I'm not mean, I'm happy and cheerful but I will get down with it and tell anyone who is against me to fuck themselves. If you don't love me, that's fine. There is someone else in this world who does and someone else who will. I'm not worried. I no longer need to depend on what others say about me to determine who I am.

I am WHITNEY MOTHERFUCKIN' WOPAT.

And even if you're not, I am so proud of that.

The more I learn about the woman I am/am becoming, the more I fall in love with myself.
I say it as though I'm kidding, but I really am pretty awesome.

Affirmation, complete. I am no longer 'angsty' about the day. I am happy and my head is high again, despite my lack of sleep.

<3

Surprise!

2008-11-25T14:18:00.004-05:00

There have been only a handful of occasions in my life that made me so happy I cried. This is one of them.
I've always wanted a surprise party or somebody to surprise me on a special day, just because they cared but no one ever has. I used to think no one would either but today my friends at work completely surprised me and I can't stop crying. I'm so grateful. This whole birthday has been so amazing. I feel so special and loved. Growing up, I was never really made to feel that way and from my family I learned that love is just an idea. At the age of 22 I finally know what love feels like. It's just as beautiful as I imagined and maybe that's why I can't stop crying. I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm angry, I cry when things are so beautiful and now, again, I cry with happiness. This time though it's real. All I can do is keep repeating how happy I am. I'm so happy! And so grateful! My friends/old and new have made me to feel the way that I thought everyone should be made to feel. They've made me feel more loved and more appreciated than anyone in my family ever has. It's always the unexpected things that bring the most joy and realization. My family is supposed to love me and want me to be happy but the people that really show it are my friends. Oh my God, even people who I'd met maybe once or twice or even for the first time on my birthday, have made me feel more loved and wonderful than my family ever has. I still can't stop crying. I don't think thank you even begins to cover how much I appreciate everything everyone has done for me and how lucky I am to have them in my life.
I'm so elated right now. I'm really soaring.
I'M SO HAPPY!
and I blame all of you ;)

Vitamin B6 Miracle.

2008-11-24T21:41:00.004-05:00

Birthday wish granted. Have I ever felt more happy? I'm not sure. Amazing things are happening in and around me. I have let go of all doubt, fear and the past. As I've said before, what can you do with the past but get over it? I feel so alive; reborn almost. I finally just let go and realized, I am a good person, people love me, I'm funny (though I've been saying that from the beginning) =) and once I did that I was flooded with pure goodness. I feel better, I am better and good things happen. I feel things as I am meant too and I'm so grateful. A better explanation could be given after I stop reeling from this weekends excitement.
I love my life and I can't stop smiling.
Good things are going to happen. I see the beginning of something I only wished possible and I really don't think I could be at a better place. I'm so full of joy. I have really good people in my life and so much support. I have a sunny disposition and a bright outlook. I wish everyone could feel how I feel everday...so full of joy, freedom and just sunshine. Words almost can't express....
<3

11 days

2008-11-14T10:24:00.002-05:00

I'll be 22 in 11 days and all I want for my birthday is forgiveness. Not from anyone on this planet but from whatever greater being is out there. For my birthday I want the higher being/energy/creator to put in my heart its existence as well as forgiveness so that my life will walk down a better happier trail.
I can't keep living chasing my tail in the wrong direction.

Soooo happy

2008-11-03T13:51:00.001-05:00

I submitted this writing sample, short story, thing to a website and they chose my piece to feature through November! I'm so excited aaaaaaand they sent me a mini journal with a pen because I was picked. I think the best part though was the coupon with a note that said, "we appreciate your beautiful spirit".
I'm glad someone does!!
=)

aftermath

2008-11-02T22:09:00.001-05:00

and just like that it's out
and again i'm too tired to care.

swallow.

2008-11-02T19:26:00.002-05:00

I often write in search of something profound to say. I write with the hopes that something beautiful will flow from fingers to page after passing through the mind. In an instant something great comes. A sentence, an idea, a glimpse that talent does exist somewhere in this little woman. Mostly, though, I write in rant. Always asking questions. Mostly why? I write myself into a frenzy, get all worked up and wish I could scream because there's no other way to focus this insane energy that should be exhausted through creativity but instead is otherwise provoked. I write blindly, never looking back. If you stop to look back the flow is gone and your stuck again. Edit later, that's what it's for. Splash your filth across the lines of your paper or wildly tap keys until all the garbage is removed. One mans trash is another's treasure and if I can spew this garbage I can probably recycle or refine it into something that doesn't make your eyes bleed. Or head explode. Whichever comes first. The chicken or the egg. I hate that question. Don't even ask me. And don't fall in love with me. And don't and don't and don't. Too many don'ts. Not enough dos. Do this. Do that. Don't do. Do. Who knows anymore. You lost me a while ago and you never had me at hello. You can never have me at hello. There's too much you're hiding from me. Why am I so easily tricked. Aren't I smarter than that? Shouldn't I be? Shouldn't I be able to tell who cares and who doesn't and who wants to use me and who wants to keep me? Shouldn't I? Well, I can't. Or don't try to anymore. I approach everyone with caution and fear letting myself go because who will catch me. Not a net. That's long gone. The world has jaded that net away. It's tossed in the rubble heap with all my other childlike unawareness. I know too much. I know too much but I don't know a damn thing! I don't know anything anymore. Once you think you know something, it changes. When you try to catch up, it leaves you behind and your left chasing your own tail. Like a small dog. A small dog is wise to leave its tail alone. Better to chase your own tale than your own tail. Never chase. If something wanted to be caught, it wouldn't run so fast. I can't run fast. Not anymore. Now everything around me moves fast and I just watch. Like a show. From the outside I see my life. I want to participate but it's just like one of those create your own story books. You pick one option and the book goes somewhere you weren't ready to follow. You go back and choose another and still nothing until finally you try and try again. I can't go back and change the road I'm on. I can guide it somewhere else though can't I? Can't I?
You love me. You really love me. You really love me? I AM able to be apart of my own life. I CAN make my own decisions? Well, why didn't you tell me. I would decide things a lot different but it's too late for that now. Just have to make do with what I've got and go forward. Never back. I don't like walking backwards. You can't tell where you're going and it's scary not to see. And it's scary to fall without arms to catch you. It's scary. A lot of things are scary now that never were before. Risks are scary. An option to fail is scary. I'm scary. You're scary. We're all scary and we all scream for ice cream. We all scream silently because no one dare make a sound. I want to make noise. I feel it inside me but I don't want to get teased for my noise. What if it wasn't the right one? What if I'm the only one who makes this sound? Aren't we all supposed to be different? Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten. Like treat others as you wish to be treated and being different is special and being special is well...special. Being unique is great, it's amazing, it's the new fad. No. Not in a world where everything is sectioned off in groups or subcategories or subspecies or something like that. Even the unique ones fit into a group. Herd mentality. Ubermensch. Nietzsche, you bastard. Can you help me? Explain me. Learn me. School me?
I'm nobody's fool. I'm nobody's fool. I'm nobody's fool. Mantras are supposed to keep you level. I'm nobody's fool but I seem to play it well. And that's just swell. That sounds familiar. Just some regurgitated remains of some crap I spewed at one time or another. I'm nobody's fool. Tricky, tricky. You can't catch me this time. I'm on to you. Yes, even you and please, don't underestimate me. Please don't. I don't like that. You underestimate me and I underestimate myself. I don't like that either.
I have potential. I see it. I do, don't get me wrong. Don't you be fooled with my split personality therapy sessions. It may seem like craziness but I swear it makes sense. I swear.
I'm always swearing and I'm always justifying. Does that make it wrong? If something needs to be justified so much, is it wrong or do you just see it incorrectly? SO MANY QUESTIONS! And here comes the frenzy and the energy I don't know how to contain or unleash. Here it comes boiling from my toes and seething through my intestines until it freezes in my heart and begins life again in my brain. It turned from a feeling into a thought. An emotion into a logical explanation or an attempt at one anyway.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's to be done with this crazy, young thing? What's to be said about a silly girl that can never grow to fit her own expectations. Too small to reach the cabinets. Too young to know these things. Too young to think that. Too young for this and too young for that. Too young. All the time too young even when she ages.
EVERYTHING IS JUST A GAME OF CATCHUP. I hate that game because I'm terrible at it. Or am I terrible because I hate it? Ha, got you on that one. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm still sane. Or at least I hope so. I mean these journeys on which I embark that lead only in loops of creativity, logic and psychobabble don't really help my case. Or demonstrate grace. Just a look of wonder on this face and a sense of urgency behind these lips. A rosy glow will follow henceforth brought on by frustration and a lack of oxygen. Breathe damn you! Breathe! Let it out. Take it back. Now that we're in steady rhythm, let's take this in perspective. Let's be rational. Let's agree to disagree. Your language doesn't suit the masses. They can never understand what you say.
That's a metaphor bitch. It's my own cunning play on words. C'mon. You've got to see something. I can't be all chutes and ladders and no candy land. I'm pretty sweet. Despite my hard outer-coating I'm really quite soft in the middle. No I'm not Jerk! You can't know that about me yet.

See these walls. I built them with my own spiritual hands. I cemented them with past experience and hide safely behind them. You can't even see me. So don't say you know what goes on over here. It's beautiful and you only wish you knew. You only wish.
I only wish that I could let you see this beautiful world that I live in. The same one that no one believes can exist. It can though! IT CAN! You just have to believe? Can you do that? Can you dream like me? In vivid color and fluid motion? Can you step outside yourself long enough to realize I'm not crazy.
I'M NOT CRAZY.
and I'm not actually strange.
I'M JUST DIFFERENT.
I bleed like you. I cry, I sleep, I breathe, I work. I exist.

I live for the splendid. The pure. The wise. I live for the love that is in this world if you simply seek to find it. I live for the warmth that radiates off a smile and the strength and release of a hug. I live for naked toes and bubbles. For all the things that make you smile and wrap yourself in your own two arms. I live for the sunshine on my face as I twirl as a gentle tornado with my arms outstretched. I want to receive the beauty of the world. I live for the beauty. I live for the feeling inside me now as I think of these things that can never be expressed in words but only with the gleam in my eye.

Are you understanding any of this? Does any of it make sense--has any of it touched you? Jumped out?
ANYTHING?!
I don't give up but I'm saddened by my stag status at the dance of life. I didn't create this tiny world I live in.
I DISCOVERED IT.
uncovered it
and found it in me.
Resounding through me. Because of me.
BECAUSE OF YOU. Because of Me. Because of us. Because of them!
It's not just my world. It's everyone who wishes to see things in a more profound way.
You, me, them, us.
You don't have to be for us but please don't be against
Life isn't a race and it's not a contest.
It's a journey privy to all.
You can walk with me for a little
You can walk with me for a few
But don't think you're journey is just about you.
We're all connected and we're all supposed to influence and touch the lives of others.
That's the way it works okay?
No one is better, no one is worse.
Nobody is anything independently. Something and someone helped shape you and create the road you're paving ahead of you.
And to the side.
Please they exist too.
At this point in this particular journey--this lyrical journey--I've written myself to a crossroad better decided another time.

the inherent-ness of being

2008-11-01T22:29:00.004-05:00

How do you explain who you are to someone, when you don't even know yourself? You don't even know yourself. How is that possible? Do you not know yourself or have you just not discovered it fully. I know what I've done in my life, I know what I like. I know what makes me happy and what kills me inside. I know I'm no good and I know that I'm great but i just don't know what the fuck is going on. I see myself getting smarter. I see my potential. I see what I need to do but I'm hoping it's not too late. I'm hoping I didn't screw up too much before finally realizing how it should be.
What happens if you mess it up the first time around? What about redemption? What about not being alone, what about hearing that it's okay, that you're okay.--that you are a good, well rounded person with much to offer to others and society? What about that? How about a nice, big cup of "I'm fucking awesome" and it actually getting you somewhere. Are you nothing only if others see you as nothing or are you simply-nothing?
Is it enough to be big in your tiny world? Should you remain tiny in a big world? Can we just be regular sized in a regular world? What is really good with mediocrity? We can't all be C students, America. Bs aren't bad but let's face it, we all want As. I want an A plus. Fuck that. I want to be amazing. I'm not asking for fame, I'm not asking to be a household name. I JUST WANT TO BE HEARD AND TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Seriously? Seriously. Seriously....
I want people to see past what they hear, I want them to see past what they see and just see me. No skin, no bones just me. Just my soul. My entity. My being. Whitney Motherfuckin' Wopat. Me.

My mind, fist clenched, frantic, searching, screams, I JUST WANT TO BE GOOD ENOUGH!
i just want to be good.
I just want to be the person I know I am that still hides behind what people would say, fear of failure, and a fear of disapointment. If I don't try then I'll never disappoint. I'll never be your embarrassment. I'll never be....anything.
WHY CAN'T I REALIZE WHAT i THINK i KNOW------AND JUST GIVE IT A SHOT???
For me to do that I basically have to say FUCK YOU to everyone in my life so that I can get a fresh start without someone mocking me or bringing me back to the place I'm trying to climb out of. I do have one person to bring along because no matter what, she's been there. A real friend. Someone who actually pushes me when I need it and stands behind me even if it's just a phase but most importantly--dreams with me. She helps me fuel my lust for life. We know we've got a tough road but all I've ever heard is that we're going to make it and we're going to go far.
words to wise:
peace out haters.
I plan on leaving you in my dust.
I've already made strides toward changing and finishing my education so I can really start my life. I don't want to feel bogged down by coulda, woulda, shouldas anymore. If it doesn't work the first time, I'll make it work the second time because I'll be more prepared. I'm trying. I want it. I'm hungry for it.
wahh ha ha ha. hungry for life?....bitch better be an all you can eat buffet.

2007-12-03T09:09:00.000-05:00

in a manner suiting to truth and to beauty, no man stands alone.

2007-11-28T21:33:00.000-05:00

if he had stayed the way he was with me forever, i would have married him. a foolish thought, i know. now i don't feel like i'll every marry. funny how things work out.
we did alright together, he and i. we suited each other. we complimented each other. we were sympatico, as they say. tres sympatico. never a dull moment and always something to say. he showed me forever in a just few fleeting months. funny how life passes you by. with just a blink of an eye, all that ever was with us ended. it wouldn't, it couldn't ever be the same--and it never was.
he changed from the person i wanted to spend my eternity with to the person i purposefully and tactfully kept out of my life. as far as i was concerned, he wouldn't even know my name. like i never existed in the first place. i would make sure of that.
of course he rang and stopped by--but never for me directly. sometimes he'd show but avoid a simple hello. of course i found out afterwards. funny how people can hide when they want to. i should know all about that. when life gives you lemons, fuck the lemons and avoid them at all costs. funny how problems seem to disappear when you don't acknowledge their existance.
so time passed. never a word. never a kind word at least. i was perfectly fine with this. why can't people just see that you want them to leave you alone? go on with your life. sure, we had a good time, in brief. why can't it just stay that way? what's done is done and cannot be redone so accept the circumstances and live your life from there.
that's easy for me to say. i've lived my life from situation to situation. when it got ugly, i moved to the next and when that didn't work, i tried something else. it worked. now, however, i've come to a point where i don't want to run. my legs are tired and my mind is setttled. i'm fucking happy. i've always just gone with the flow and never really attacked anything like i really wanted something out of it. but i'm at where i'm at and i'm doin what i'm doin and i want something out of it. i feel like maybe i could have done things differently but i'm liking the road i'm on and i can finally see myself going places.

*******

2007-11-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

A broken land-an empty sieve, where lovers borrow because there's nothing to give. A cheated heart-a faltered pace, when greeting card love notes become a saving grace. But the sun does shine on the lonesome and weary who make it a point to see life more clearly. In a manner suiting to truth and to beauty there are still those who make originality their duty...

You Belong to the City

2007-11-20T12:39:00.000-05:00

"The leaves are wet, I'm afraid you'll slip" I caught her say from beneath her hood. It was so faint I could barely hear, "What?"
She picked up her head and half smiled, "Sorry, I've been conditioned to be this nervous. I'm not afraid t hat you'll fall, but there's a chance, and that's enough for me." I took her words in for a minute, looking for the hidden meaning. I took my time to reply, "I'll be okay, don't worry." I guess she accepted it because she said no more, just smiled.
We walked silently, hand in hand through the rain drenched town, embracing the silence as a testament to our closeness. She was a thinker, that's what I liked about her. Always thinking and though we're very communicative I can't help but wonder what goes on in her head sometimes. She's a mystery yet so open. I want to know what she's hiding. I push that thought away as not to distance myself. There's nothing I want more right now than to be right here, in this town, with this girl, holding hands and avoiding puddles. When we're together, there's nothing left to the world except she and I and I like that. She offers an escape.

***
She knows when to shut off.
***

The days turn quickly into nights. The nights turn quickly into forgotten months. No outstanding events, no outstanding feelings. I've noticed that life can actually pass you by. And it runs fast but you've got to give it a reason to slow down. Be my reason to slow down. Stop me from racing through my reality in hopes of getting to where I need to be faster. Help me to enjoy each step of the journey. Take those steps with me. Influence me yet let me be.
*
Hot pink lips sear the softest parts of my skin leaving permanent love notes to remind me of the better days. The wetter days. The days when things had meaning and life was grand. With a pocket-full of pennies and a pen in my hand- we were unstoppable. Gathering. Gliding. Riding on things unseen to the place we believed would be the place our lives started. Passion enraptured us. captured us and guided us through a life that was truly our own. no consequences just happenstances. just the rules that we made. unbroken. marching to the beat on the ground we laid. we should have stayed. just a moment longer. why can't reality wait? why hesitate? why can't reality be the time where you feel most alive and worth living?

Damn Shorty, You Gangsta.

2007-11-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

Welcome back. It's been a minute and a lot has changed. The city lights have been traded for the tree-lined streets of Maplewood, NJ. Location wise I'm not entirely satisfied but I'm happy with my job. I work for a great family. They are kind, caring and fun. So on that front all is well. I'm really doing well =), which I'm quite pleased about. I'm in a stable and safe state of mind. I'm taking care of my shit, being unabashedly myself and loving it. I'm finally the master of my domain. I'm calling the shots in my life w00t.
I don't want to gush on, bien sur, but I'm like really doing well. I'm confident as ever and feeling fresh.

things to keep in mind/work on:
-don't let the tedium of my schedule get to me....try to incorporate something new to keep it fresh
-don't let people take advantage of me
-keep it real
-keep it gangsta
-slap hoes
-save some dough
-be productive
-work out
-make it happen
-don't forget to be thankful for everything I've got

Well I Guess That's The Road I'm Walking

2007-09-19T21:02:00.000-05:00

Out with the old. Out with the abuse. Out with the misery. Hopefully into something better but there's not a whole lot that would be worse than this. I would gladly trade in the city lights and the hustle and bustle of the place I've always dreamed of living to be somewhere I'm respected and happy. If I died and went to hell...it would be aptly labled, 35 Sutton Place Apt. 15c. My keeper would be a fake blonde devil and her wimpy, old husband. I would be bound by evils and kept in slavery. However, since this is reality, and my brutal reality, I aim to fix this...even if it means not having anywhere to go for a little while. I don't want to take advantage of people but I don't want to be on the street and I can't go back to Maine because I would have no way to work. Oh lamentations. Would you rather be safe or happy? I'd rather be rich because then I woudn't have to hand my life over to minimum wage to hopefully get myself back to school so that maybe one day, just one day, I might be able to have a bright future. I have no regrets, only unattainable or very far off dreams. I'm walking a hard road but I'm walking it myself, for myself and I'm keeping it real. It's a hard road but it's better than living a fake life with fake people. It's more important to me that I find some happiness in this life of mine than to waste it on people who don't care about me, my education or my happiness. They only care about their vacations and new mercedes and fancy shit. Blood and labels mean shit, your true family are the people that love you no matter what, would do anything to see you smile and want nothing but the best for you period.
Ah! I feel like I'm in such a bind. I'm not sure if I have anywhere to go but I just can't stay here. I just can't. I don't know where I could go though. Let the chips fall as they may. What needs to happen will happen. But I need to take some action toward my happiness as well. I can't sit around and wait anymore.
And sometimes I cry and cry and cry because I feel so lost. Like what did I do wrong? What could I have done to end up here? Ive got nothing; no money, no happiness, no free time. I dont see my friends, I don't talk to them, I can't call to my mom, I haven't seen her in four months. I'm trapped in this job because I can live here but I'm treated like the scum of the earth and put up with it because I have no other choice and if this is how my life is going to be from now on, count me out. I dont want to die but I feel so dead sometimes and I want to feel alive again but that feelings seems so far removed and unattainable that it seems like there is just no use in trying anymore because what's the point of constantly trying and failing? I obviously can't get it right...but I'm trying and there is still hope for me.
I'm forgiven.
I'm forgiving.
I'm learning how to take control of my life.
I'd rather be happy, to answer the first question.

Stability Through The Changes...

2007-09-18T18:48:00.000-05:00

When you're hit with something like that, emotions come in tidal proportions. I should right once I've calmed down but it's good to let everything out. Sneaky, sneaky. Or so I thought. Maybe still suspicious or maybe I just broke down and believed that it's now true. Whatever the case may be. Maybe I'll give this another chance. OOh but what I would do if this turned out to be just like last time. I'd lose my mind. Oh man. Not even going to go there. The distance is good though. That means nothing can happen unless I want it to and it has to be taken slowly and intentionally.
Speaking of slowly and intentionally I have an interview on Sunday. I'm actually quite optimistic about this one. I spoke with the mother for a half an hour today, clearly the conversation went well. The family lives in Maplewood, NJ, which is a good area. It's right around where I went to school and walking distance from train to NYC. Tiight. I hope the pay is more than what I get now, especially since it will be three kids. Three 7yo boys who are triplets! I think that is so cool. The mom seemed to really like me, at least that's what she said =). So I'm hoping this works because then I will be freed from the bonds of slavery. I hope the schedule is good too. She said I have days off, period lol, not like what my deal is here. I hope weekends are off too, because that's what I need. I'm really optimistic, horray! Like my mom said though, I shouldn't get my hopes too high because I don't want to set my mind on some glorious idea only to find out that it wasn't what I was expecting.
This day has been filled with ups and downs of emotion and some new people and some people that I thought were out of my life. Life always keeps you on your toes and you can never hide from it.
I hope I sleep tonight. I may put on music because I didn't sleep at all last night and my sleeping patterns have been really bad these last few nights and I'm exhausted the next day. I need some sleepy time tea =).
*sigh* things are good for right now. Phew!

As leaves change their color and fall from the bow, only to start the process all over the following year, so shall my life be a circle of change, commencement and new beginnings. Change is imminent and things, instances in your life and people will reappear out of the blue.
*sigh*
I'll roll with the punches and the homies day to day.
Stability, Progress and Change.
Ups, Downs, and Suprises.
Level, Declines and Inclines.
Life.

Eloquence Not Required. Humor Optional.

2007-09-18T08:21:00.004-05:00

The last I've heard of him were the annoying little things that I do that remind me of him. And the memories were never fond or nostalgic. They were irritating and annoying and frustrating. I don't want to remember you. You hurt me and you played me for a huge fool and to rub it in you came back randomly and said you'd change and said you had but were just trying to play cute when NOTHING had changed at all. And now you pop up at the most inconvenient time, of course, saying the same things you did the last time. When does this end? Like am I supposed to play the fool again? Am I supposed to finally believe the boy who cried wolf? Can I get an answer here, seriously. Enough is enough. Because I don't want to be your friend. I couldn't even if I wanted to. The relationship that we had and the major insecurities that I got over for you, just to have them slammed back in my face....there's no easy way to cool that burn. I can't just forgive and forget because I sacrificed so much of myself and let down some serious boundaries for you. And the exact same reason I had them up so strongly all those yeras, was the same reason you made me put them up again. MY LIFE WAS FINE WITHOUT YOU. I moved on. I built myself up again. And if someone is going to get under my skin and into my heart and mind that way again it certainly wont be you. And I'm sure that is not your intention, it'd be really dumb if it were, but after all that I JUST CAN'T. I can't laugh with you, I can't talk to you like friends do. This bridge is burned and we don't have the supplies to build it up again. Keep your fancy words for someone who can still hear their eloquence because mine hear nothing but slander and trickery.
This like this really reinforce that I don't know who I can trust anymore. I don't want to be "emotionally slutty" but I don't want to be a hermit in my own heart forever either. I met someone I would want to get to know better. I will meet someone I want to get to know better. But I don't want to be the one that makes the first move, I don't want to be the first to say I have feelings for you, I DON'T WANT TO BE VULNERABLE AGAIN. If I miss out on something good because of my own issues, then fine, because the hurt and embarrassment and all the feelings that come along with being burned the way I have, almost make it not worth it. This is a topic I cannot tackle. I want to be beyond this. And I can be. But I just hope that I never fall for anyone like you agian. An angel's face but a serpants tongue. Your words were sweet and I thought they were real. Now it's hard to know what's real. And now I feel like whenever any guy talks to me, like really talks to me, it's just a tactic to get me into bed. I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE! You hear me? I am not for physical satisfaction. That wont come again until it's with someone who respects me. We don't have to get married but if you want to be intimate with me enough to touch me and see me and know me, then it has to be for real. My feelings are too fragile in that realm right now and I'm not wasting my time anymore. I'm so tired of this. I really don't want to go on talking about it. I'm so frustrated and now just angry. This is unbelievable.

And speaking of ghosts from the past. A friend has contacted me randomly. I'm surprised because it means she does actually care about someone other than herself. I really liked hanging out with her too. Until she'd start stuff and make it my fault. It was always my fault or my problem or me being mad when it never was. I can't deal with that kind of stuff. We're adults here, c'mon. And with both of these situations, I don't really want to get back into a relationship with these people. I'm moving forward. Always moving forward, not looking back. I don't want to go back to where I was when these relationships were solid. I'm beyond that. And what's the point in relapsing for people that either don't change or change so slowly. Things are promised way before they will have the means to keep that promise. I'll say it again, I DON'T WASTE MY TIME. If it's a relationship worth pursuing, I'm in it to win it but when it's someone who waits until I open up every inch of myself to them and then turns and uses it against me later on...hell no. Fuck that. I'm not a toy. I will not be treated as someone's idea of fun.
And this is DEFINITELY not the time to think about things from the past. I have so much that I have to accomplish if I'm to have any kind of future. So if you're not here to support me, care about me, respect me, love me and be my friend--leave me alone. The last thing I need is another thing trying to hold me back.

She Dances Gracefully Among Swine

2007-09-11T20:43:00.000-05:00

I wake up and it's a completely different time period. I wake up and a week has gone by. Why can't I recount my days? What have I been doing and more importantly, where has the time gone? What have I accomplished? Where did all my money go? Will I ever be happy?

It a futile and silly thing to ask yourself so many questions. All the questions have to do with the past. What can you do with the past but get over it?

Someone relayed a quote to me today that really could set my life in motion; "would you rather be safe or happy?" I'd rather be happy. Being safe has gotten me nowhere. I'm stuck in a situation I'm not happy with, I'm not doing anything I love, I'm simply prolonging the time until I get around to living my life. I made one step, a small one, but one nonetheless. I dropped everything and moved to NYC to be a nanny. Woo! What a party that turned out to be. I am learning though. I'm feeling like I'm receding back into the I don't care, whatever, ho hum mindset I've worked to avoid. I have no stimulation, no companionship, no one to talk to and the only people around me are people who look down at me for incredibly foolish reasons. I need to be challenged and excited, invigorated and rejuvinated. I need a change. I need to be around people who care about me or at least accept me. I need friends. I need a social life....I need a LIFE!

I guess I can do that. I feel like I've got an option. Now I just need some will power....and a bank account. If I have cash, I spend cash....if I have a savings account and activities to keep me busy, I don't spend money. I need to NOT SPEND MONEY. DO YOU HEAR ME? DON'T SPEND MONEY. And I need to win the lottery. Who doesn't? Well, I have a special circumstance and I could be GREAT so I really think you should pick me, please I somehow stand out from the rest....yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm lonely. Point blank. Lonely. Along. Stag. Solo. ALONE. wah. I'm not unhappy though. Not unhappy. Dissatisfied, yes. Discontented, yes. Longing, most definitely. I want to go on dates! I want to dance, I want to have fun. I need all the stress and anxiety and paranoia that my boss causes to vanish. I need my drive back...I NEED SUPPORT. And apparently I need to vent. I need to feel good at something again, like I am not a failure. I still have a lot of potential. I just need to go out and do shit instead of wishing I was doing shit. I need to trust again so I'm not afraid to take a chance. I just don't want to take a chance alone. I want someone to go with me. If I had a little extra money and a compain, fuck, I'd leave tomorrow, not a care in the world. But being alone really puts a damper on my dreams. No one wants to do anything with me and I'm so shy it would be hard to make friends...unless I met them in a pub and then, please, I would have a ton of friends....I need confidence in myself again. I need people to see me like I see myself and vice versa.
I need to start writing in here some more and in a personal diary. Because if I can't talk to anyone I'm going to need to get shit off my mind one way or another and I don't want to complain to people everytime I'm asked how shit is going. I hate to complain because I HATE to envoke pity. I don't like people feeling sorry or upset for me. I"M FINE. I'LL BE FINE. Just listen to me. That's all I need. Don't judge me, don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Just listen. Good thing I have this computer....it jusssssssssst listens =).

I"m feeling detached. I'm with myself so much that I'm getting to the point, again, where I'd almost rather be by myself. Maybe it's too much hassle to find company (esp. with my schedule), or maybe I feel I'm beyond hope or slipping away. I need to grab the surface and be social and not lapse into some solitary stupor. I can't abandon myself.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE is what I need! Some form of love, plain and simple. Love me. I'm like a sad puppy in a puppy store, "love me, please love me. I really and cute and cuddly and fun to be with, I swear, just love me, you'll find out."

I sound like a manic depressive lol but I guess that's what happens when you start getting all of your frustrations off your chest. I feel like I should do this until I feel better but I have to go to sleep tonight...and tomorrow. Much too much could be said.
I wish I didn't take things for granted.
I wish I was appreciative.
I wish I were happy.

Mind Wars: Saga I

2007-03-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

-Open, Winter sitting in a hard, wooden chair in the corner of a dark, crummy, dorm room. Evelyn is unseen.

Evelyn: Well, what were you expecting?
Winter: I don't know. Not this.
*brief silence*
W: I don't know if I even had any expectations but I do know that it wasn't supposed to be this way.
E: How do you mean? Nothing's bad is it?
W: No, not bad but it's awkward. It's like no one knows what to say to me or like I make them nervous or something. But these are supposed to be my friends! I was so happy, so excited...and now, now I don't want to see anybody--at all. They don't care. They didn't care when I was here and they certainly didn't care that I was gone. And silly me, I thought that is was the first place in my life where I found people who actually cared about me and that would actually miss me. But Again, I find myself alone. I mean, did I fuck it up that bad? Did I really ruin everything I had going for me? Am I destined to be miserable? What have I done and why won't anyone tell me? Am I going crazy? I mean, I just don't understand!
E: Okay, maybe you're just overreacting. These people probably do care about you. Maybe it's the timing? It's got to be something. I mean, these people wouldn't just forget about you, would they?
W: Nothing in my interactions with these people indicated a potential lack of caring. They told me they loved me. They told me they missed me. They told me they were excited to see me. Actions speak louder than words.
E: DId you honestly expect them to just drop their lives for the few days you're around?
W: I don't know. I don't think so.
*another brief pause*
W: *sighs* I would have.
E: You dont' give a fuck though. Your life is not your own. You don't care about missing class or graduating or doing anything really at all. You're stuck. They do care about you, they just have responsibilities. You're on break, not them.
W: I'll wait it out but I'm not getting a good vibe. All I want to do is cry. I mean who knows when I'll be back. And Lord knows no one is coming to visit me. This is my spring break! I could be doing anything right now but I wanted to see them! So i'm at another college on my Spring break. Woo Hoo!
E: Don't be an asshole.
W: I know. I'm just scared. I'm really scared. I don't want them to forget me. I don't want to be alone anymore. I just want to know who cares and who doesn't. It's the uncertainty that leads to wild thoughts, that leads to complete shut down. I love these people....more than I've loved anyone. I found the best friends I've ever had. ever. And again, it's like if I'm not there, they don't care. I have to be present and visable and active for them to remember I exist. Instead of having 5 best friends....I feel like I'm left with a possible two. Everyone had their own life. I mean, I do too but it never seems that I'm a big part of anyone's life, especially when they're such a part of mine.
E: I know it's hard but sometimes you just need to trust these people. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. That's why I'm here, to be an outlet for you, to be someone to talk to who will be honest and never leave you. But don't recede into yourself Winter. You're coming dangerously close and at this point you're going to have to force yourself to be more social and outgoing....like you used to be....before--
W: What? Before I went psycho and butched every good thing in my life? Before I purposely made myself more miserable? Before I drank all the time because it was all I had left? Before I went down into a black hole that no one tried to help me out of? Before what!
E: That's not what I meant.
W: Well, that's certainly what you implied. I know I fucked up! I know! But what happened to forgiveness? What happened to love and friendship triumphing over hard times? Whatever happened? Why do I always do this? I take things too personally. I say it's because I care so deeply about certain friends that anything negative they say or do to me is like a red, hot dagger cutting me to my core. It's like, having the only thing that keeps your heart beating turn around and...I don't know...kill you. It's like having someone thurst their hand into my chest and rip out my still beating heart. It kills me. Because I feel like the way I feel about them should be mutual.....but it never is. And I don't know why I try anymore. I hold on to the hope that I'll be happy one and not worried that everyone is against me. I want to trust again. But it's so hard. I've been damaged and destroyed too many times for me to be able to trust anymore. I'm a lost cause.
E: Take a nap. Read a book. Do something to get your mind off this. You're only here for a few days, try to make the best of it. If you have to pretend that everyone cares, then pretend, but don't go in it thinking they're all dismayed to see you alive and well. Memories die hard, and they've got really good ones of you and they've got really bad ones of you. But hopefully the good outweigh the bad. Your tenure as their friend should blind them to the bad and let them see only the good.
W: Yeah, that's if they actually care.

my song.

2007-01-07T17:26:00.000-05:00

and we could kiss, we could kiss with wine stained lips because in the morning we could reason that it never really meant a thing, it never really meant a thing. and we could hold mittened hands while walking though a park and it's okay, it's okay-'cause we never really touched.
but if it's fine with you, then it's fine with me. it'll have to be-what other choice have i got? and there'll always be a layer that i'll never break through and there'll never be a way to get close to you. it's just count your losses and drive on. drive on.
a hundred miles lie ahead and our seat belts keep us from doing the only thing, the only thing we do well together and it's a good thing, a good thing-'cause she's in the car with us-and i'm not a show, i'm not a show-i'l never show her up. and i'm no second fiddle--though i seemed to play it well-and it's just swell, it's just swell that you never really saw my eyes
but if it's fine with you, then it's fine with me. it'll have to be-what other choice have i got? and there'll always be a layer that i'll never see and that other girl that i'll never be. it's just count your losses and move on. move on.
i don't want to forget but i dare not think of it...or us. but it was nice, it was nice--a break from reality--it left me in a coma but i'm awake now. i'm awake now and i'm seeing clear. and you're not here and you're not around. i dont know where you are, where you are-but i'm sure it's great and i'll call you back if i need an escape.
but if it's fine with you, then it's fine with me. it'll have to be-what other choice have i got? i'm good you know and there's something in me that you'll never know. it's just count your losses and say good bye. good bye.
just say good bye it'll be the only, the only thing-that wasn't a lie. say good bye, say good bye--bye to a girl who thought she knew you and thought she cared but it was all a joke that she didn't get. just say good bye, say good bye-at least tell me it's over. say good bye--just say good bye.
and this is my song, my song and i know i'm no singer but here it is and there it goes--it was over before it started. and i guess that's it. it's all she wrote. it was a fine tale, a fine tale of two cross-eyed lovers. never seeing what was there until it was over. but it was over before it started so it was just a dream. that i saw, that i saw when i was asleep.
and if it's fine with you, then it's fine with me. it'll have to be--it's the only choice i've got. and is it okay, is it okay-the way that we're leavin' and is she okay, is she okay because she's not me? and i'm not her, i'm not her and i never will be so it's okay, it's okay to leave it at this. this is good bye, this is good bye-it was fun while it lasted but it's over, it's over- it's over now. so just walk on, walk on-go far and wide and i wish you good luck, good luck and lots of great things. so this is good bye, good bye. good bye my friend.

New.Boys.Take.Nothing.From.Old.Soldiers.

2006-12-29T22:23:00.000-05:00

"you have to take a step back to see how far you've come," she paused, thinking, "i guess it's like learning it the hard way." That's nothing new to me i thought. Nothing new. What else is new? I always seem to be stuck in the same old, same old, the same routine, nothing new, nothing....ever. Well, i sighed, what can you do? I already knew the answer. Why am i constantly answering my own questions--doesn't that make them rhetorical? Anyway, i guess the point is, i never seem to find change. I mean i do, i guess, but never when approaching old habits. "Like relationships?" she asked. Exactly, i thought. Yes, i replied, like relationships. They never change for me, i thought. And i begin to wonder if maybe it's my own fault, my own problem. But i figure, for the sense of optimism, that maybe i'm only half to blame. Afterall a relationship is a partnership right? Something shared....so i can only be half wrong right? Right....exactly, i tell myself....i lie to keep myself sane sometimes i think. But seriously, how wrong can i be. Pretty fucking wrong, i think, if i'm still trying to make this feel right. I feel good about it.......to an extent...but how long can i be strung along? How long can i be the doormat that accepts the dirt you rub into it? How long can i expect to keep sane and sincere to myself when i'm nothing to you and you and i both know that nothing will come of this? Why keep me here? Don't meet anyone else, you tell me...well how can i do that when you're not holding on very tightly. You leave me thinking and wondering and questioning and being submissive and never being true to my real feelings...it's like i'm too scared to give up something that i've been waiting for, for so long, even though it's kind of killing me knowing...that i know nothing in this...and i don't want to let go, or hold on loosely...but ultimately...shouldn't i be in my highest regard? I've never really been that keen on keeping myself sane or happy...but this time around...i wont be rubbed clean of my values for something that only seems good. "woah," she stopped me, "why don't you say how you really feel?" I huffed a clear, 'whatever, nevermind then. You always talk, but i never need an outlet...' I think she sensed this because she came back with, "look, i know what you mean. But do you think maybe you're jumping to conclusions?" No, i thought. No, because i've been thinking this for months. I've had months to figure this out...as far as i could anyway. "Okay, okay," she said, "well, what can we do to solve this?" Well, i stated, for one, i could stop being such a pussy. I'm happy to an extent. But only to the extent that i'm blocking out the thoughts that say the truth. It's the truth that hurts more than a lie. And who wants the truth anymore? i know i'm not happy with my current situation...my mind wanders too much as it is...i can't handle anymore added confusion. And i may be silly...but let me be....you're not holding onto me. At all really. I think you've thought that you grabbed something, and maybe you have, but not what you were looking to catch. That is, if, you were actually looking for someone with no real personality--who did shit that you wanted but never stood up for herself. "Okay," she interjected, "i know what you're feeling, and i know how hard it is to give up something you've supposedly been waiting for...but at the same time...no matter what pans out...you'll only end up with yourself. And, if you lose that, no matter what you think you've got, you've really ended up with nothing...think about it." she said. I have. And i will. But i'm being kept around until their mind is made up...positively or negatively...i'm just waiting. and it sucks, a lot, because i found someone that makes me happy and that i could see myself with, for a long while, but there are still things that make me wish i'd never gotten emotionally involved. And i know, whether or not they're going to admit it, that they're not over the ex. at all. and i'm caught in the middle. "how do you know that," she protested, "isn't that taking it a bit far?" No, i answered, at least i don't think so. From what i've noticed myself, been exposed to and from input from people whose opinion i respect, i've deducted that he's clearly still hung up on her. and where does that leave me? Well, he's still working his shit out. and i can't be understood. but i don't want to give up on him just yet. or at all. i just want to know. and she can laugh and alter herself or do whatever she thinks will win him back....and he can go back...as long i as i just KNOW! that's all i'm asking for these days...clarification. I don't want to wait for something that will never show up. i don't to wait for just an idea. i want to wait for something that will return my favor and my feelings....i don't know what to do...i really don't know what to say about it....but i do know i've got my own life to lead....and i want him in it....unless he's got doubts...then it's best this never started. she had no way to respond...she knew this conversation was over before it even started....just a farce, we both kind of thought...fun and a really great part of my life....but a lie...that exhausted its potential in the time that it existed...now it's just a was....just a 'remember when'....just a fling...a great one though....real great.
FUCK.

Caught Up----------------->Hypothetical Situation-

2006-12-11T03:42:00.000-05:00

"I die to stay alive." That's what she told me. I die to stay alive, what's that supposed to mean? Die to stay alive...sounds like an oxymoron to me. "Maybe it is," she replied, "maybe it is. But the answer to your previous question is simple--you've only got to reevaluate your definition of alive. Are you alive when you supress your true thoughts, feelings, desires and cares?" Well sure, i answered, you're still breathing aren't you? "Yes, but breathing whose breath? Certainly not your own when you're denying yourself for the sake of surviving in society." Of course it's your own breath i combatted--"JUST LISTEN!" she shouted, breaking the room's fragile ego. I sat up straight in my chair. I knew there was something to relay that i just wasn't grasping. Okay, i said calmly, tell me what you need me to know, i'm listening. She sighed, almost thankfully, but again, i could be misinterpreting. She started off in a soothing tone that quickly broke into a feverish symphony of emotion. "I just don't really know how to translate these feelings into coherent speech. I don't know if i can get you to understand. But i'll try. I'll start by saying---i'm not where i should be. I'm not doing what i should be and especially not what i want to be doing. I'm not happy. I'm not fulfilled. I'm 20 and completely undefined--but basketcase comes to mind. I want to exist outside the confines of society. I don't want to be what i'm told to be or follow the itinerary for life that's been assigned to me. I want to live by my own rules and make my own mistakes and write my own success stories." she broke off. Her eyes swelled with tears,
"I just want permission to be and not be held back and not fill out forms and not to apply or justify or rectify. I can't be caged or contained--but i am! And i can't stand it anymore! I could be a great mind (after my memoirs have been published) and i could be so good! I could be great! If i just was! i don't want to play by the rules anymore! I don't want to wear this uniform or conform or mold or bend or aquiesce--i want to be blessed and expressed, i'm tired of being opressed and recessed- i don't want to be made to fear i'll never pass the test. But the questions are all rhetorical and i feel like all my answers are wrong and i'm always second guessing and messing it all up. But i can't be explained and i won't be labled. Not this time! I just need to get away...from everything. I need a vacation from myself------i'm sorry" she blushed. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Her words were a bulldozer, and i a newly flattened highrise. I had no idea how to respond. I have no words, was the best i came up with. "I'm probably looking for some," she admitted, "but i know they wouldn't cut it for me. I'm an evil woman-so self consumed and wrecklessly indifferent." I tried to protest but the verbal stampede was stiffled when her gentle finger grazed my lips. She was beautiful and i wanted to tell her--but i knew she'd never believe me. Instead, i kissed her. My eyes were clenched tight because i feared her reaction. My tensions were as quickly soothed as they'd been created; she took my face in hands and i felt her tears stream down my face. We spent the night together. I held her tightly and tried to quiet her thunderous bouts of terrentchal sobbing. She soon digressed to fragile tears and the occasional sniffle. She fell asleep in my arms and all i could think was that she had a home there if she'd choose to stay.

from November 1, 2006.

Somewhere Unexplainable

2006-12-11T03:13:00.000-05:00

Emotionally you feel okay-as the cool breeze of deliverance and basic bliss sweeps over your naked soul. The wall you've constructed, you did poorly as it now crumbles to dust in the cosmic of your psyche. Have an idea? No, you don't because you can't becasuse it's not been made clear, because you're still riding through with a finely painted mask and a cap of doubt. You're outfitted to the situation, at least as best as you've dressed for the weather. But the weather is not constant and neither is this feeling you tell yourself. This world is a pack of lies and within it liars whose beings are constructed by the smallest particlse known to man, these days, a fib. Built and held together by molecules and shrewbicles. "The play on words is a nice touch" you add. Don't patronize me. I'm thinking and feeling and capable. Unsturdy as i may be, my foundation grows stronger everyday--and that's all i have to fall back on because something can always be rebuilt on top. It's neverending-constantly ceasing to amaze and mystify. "But i'm never satisfied!" you scream, "i'm never right and always proved wrong. I use always and never. always out of context and never on time. I always miss the train and end up paying more in the end for something that shouldn't have cost a dime. I use metaphor to explain my feelings because definitional terms don't cut it. I invent words and grammar rules but it makes sense---at least to me. And that's got to count for something! Even if it's just to get me through one more day--at least i'll wake up tomorrow. everyday a new start, a new start everyday--but never another yesterday." "You crack me up!" she laughs, "i just don't know what it is about you. Disjointed and weak, yet strong and well constructed in your own right. I babble," she admits, "it's a nervous habit. I try to stop--" she cuts short. A wisp of hair, golden and flowing, blocks her vision for a moment. She's lost sight, lost touch-out of bounds and red-flagged. You're out! And in. And out. So fickle. Why can't you just make up your mind and stick with it? Because that would mean allowing myself to trust wholeheartedly enough in one thing or idea to just let go, making me weak--for lack of being able to recover after a high fall. If you never give it all away, you'll always have something to keep and you'll never have to be dependent--you can still be an emotional nomad----wandering from feeling to feeling--find one that works, hang out for a while--but as soon as you see behind the alluring mirage, you see its potential to hurt or betray you--leave and move on to the next.
my word is my art form-as is my hand stroke. It soothes me and ails me and gets me in trouble--yet saves me from the depths of psychological and spiritual destitude. My soul is lacking--making me poor. Poor in self confidence. And if self conciousness were a penny, i'd have a half-dollar. Always on the fence. Always back and forth. Sometimes really great and loving me--other half-wondering what i was on that time i felt so good. I wish sometimes i could just scream from the top of my lungs, "WHAT THE FUCK IS MY ISSUE!?" And i wonder, dontcha know, sometimes because of this--if i've ever really had it together or if those assured times, that i have felt, were a dream or the reult of too much seretonin released in my brain, which caused me to walk around high and delusional for that period of my life.
I hear my name as if anyone actually cares to utter it. As if anyone were that brave to allow such a vile and heinously poisoned notion to spill from their lips. They're all laughing at me anyway. I'm such a joke. A farce. A comical injustice masterminded by the biggest trickster of them all---me. I've invented myself, tested myself, and faked the results because my hypothesis was wrong. I didn't work--so i made it up to do well in the science fair of life. Let's face it, I'd only be able to get to the junior high science fair anyway. I'm no Marie Curie. I'm not even Betty Crocker. I'm not a name to be mentioned among those who have accomplished anything worthwhile. The only thing i've accomplished is to have foiled myself over and over because I was nervous. "C'mon, toilet humor is SO inappropriate. You're such a filthy minded bigot." You're right. I just can't help it, it's such a part of my essence. Seriously, would i lie to you? I lie a lot. I tell the truth, but mostly i lie. It's an enevitable truth. Or is it? Ha, got you. I suck, i know, i'll stop talking. I'm not talking for the rest of the time. I'll just feel--
sudden waves of good feeling wash over me.
silly little nut...you've made me so glad.
The way you look contrasted by the smooth, white string is enough to make the weeble in me wobble.

from October 5, 2006.